


A Knight to remember

by remadora_ftw



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, also I have no idea which words to write with a capital letter in the title, and have 2 scenes if they're lucky, and let'sbe real, but I think technically every word shuld come with a capital letter?, do I care? I mean I did for about a year, how much does that matter?, is this me procrastinating hitting post? ... shut up, is this out of character? maybe, nothing can be more out of character than the show, other characters but they're just for conversation, probably not at all, so I go with the way it is because I am german and Knight is a noun, then I decided it's an AU and I can do what I want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28529541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remadora_ftw/pseuds/remadora_ftw
Summary: Brienne had not planned to reveal herself after winning the tourney. Had definitely not planned to get disqualified for being a woman even if it didn't surprise her.But that Jaime Lannister would seek her out afterwards was way beyond her wildest dreams. Not to mention the offer that seemed to surprise even him.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 23
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okay I honestly don't really know if this is any good or not but it won't get any better and I have decided to start 2021 with nice things and posting this is a nice thing.  
> writing this was hard because I kept thinking no this doesn't work in canon and then I had to remind myself that I am writing an AU and I made Brienne the same age as Jaime. who cares if it makes sense in canon when canon doesn't really happen  
> BUT also oh my god you guys  
> because this whole revelation of it's an AU and I can do what I want took me about a year I did some research about stuff that happens to figure out when this is set and so I went to google and typed in Jaime Lannister and the first result I got was the German asoiaf-wiki and I was like okay but why is his name Jaime Lennister? like somehow whoever translated the books into german was like: oh Lannister is hard to pronounce properly we can’t have people pronounce it the German way no no so we change it to Lennister. like yeah the pronunciation is (mostly) the same but ????? excuse you I do not deserve having to read Lennister with my own two eyes??? also wtf why would you change that name but then not change Daenerys Targaryen to something pronounceable? also Tarth is still Tarth because you know german people are known to be able to pronounce the ‘th’ properly. it did not take me 10 years of school until I finally had a competent enough english teacher to explain to me how the th-sound works (which means I am lucky because I know enough people who did not have that luxury). but sure sure we have to make sure Lannister is changed to Lennister for the pronunciation. and the longer I compare these words in my head the more wrong Lennister sounds. like no this is not how you pronounce Lannister. honestly I’d rather have german people say Lannister with the german a-sound then have them say Lennister.  
> And here I thought the fact that they changed greyjoy to graufreud was the worst crime the German books did. ~~(I am glad I never actually read them in german literally only because 1 german book is half an english book and came 15,99 but 4 english books together came 17,99)~~  
>  and it took me about 7 years to accept the fact that the bastard names were translated. even though Jon Schnee is the worst name ever.  
> But nothing nothing nothing tops the stupidity that is changing Lannister to Lennister. like wtf @ the translator???  
> also yes this is super unimportant but I needed you to suffer with me thank you.
> 
> thanks to ddagent for telling me the title is great  
> thanks to Lindsey for giving me the first sentence and the ability to write the beginning 2 months after the rest of the story was finished  
> and biggest thanks to lionoflannistarth on tumblr for the idea

It was a gorgeous day. The sun was shining, the people of King’s Landing were enjoying themselves, and Jaime hated every moment of it.  
A year ago he would have done anything for a tourney held in King’s Landing, but then he had become part of the Kingsguard, had learned things he had never wanted to know, and now everything about this tourney felt wrong.  
At least he had managed to get away from his duties for the duration of it.

Wandering around the tourney-site he found himself at the field reserved for the melees.  
A small part of him wished to be on there, fight and prove that he was still as good and even better than the last time he competed. But a bigger part of him revolted at the thought of representing the king any more than he needed to.  
_“We can be together”_ , Cersei had said. And then left with their father just a few days later, not even bothering to write a letter at all in the past year.  
Jaime sighed and shook his head. There was no use thinking about it any longer, was there? She clearly had made her choice. And it was not him.

On the field, a new fight had started.  
He could see the guy who had been announced as Ronnet Connington and a knight in blue armour, without any indication of who he was, or which house he was representing.  
Jaime hadn’t planned to stay longer than a few moments, had expected to be annoyed because he could point out all the mistakes they made. And while he was able to do just that, he found himself mesmerized by the taller knight.

Only paying attention to him, Jaime didn’t notice how the time went by and suddenly the first day was coming to an end. The final fight in the melee was going on and Jaime was cheering for the knight in blue armour just as much as the rest of the crowd.  
Both knights were good, he could see that, but the taller one was better. Maybe a little sloppy with some techniques, but that was probably due to lack of experience, Jaime thought. And yeah the smaller one was fast and doing very well, but he didn’t stand a chance against the taller, stronger, faster one, and he yielded.  
The crowd cheered, Jaime joined the applause, he hadn’t seen a knight like this in a while, distracting him from his own worries of every day.  
And then the taller person took off his helmet and for a second Jaime didn’t understand why the crowd’s cheers turned into anger, why the expression on the defeated guy’s face turned from acceptance to rage. But then he registered and just stared open-mouthed at the woman in front of him.  
She was tall, taller than him, he couldn’t see much more than that. All he could make out was her shoulder-length blonde hair getting illuminated by the slowly-setting sun. She shook her head to get the loose strands out of her eyes, a smile blossoming on her face.  
But not for long.  
Someone in charge stomped on the field and her smile vanished. Jaime couldn’t hear one word that was spoken but he didn’t need to. Of course, there would be consequences. She was a woman and women didn’t fight with swords, women didn’t compete in tournaments, and they certainly didn’t win.  
She left the field, head held high even though she officially lost that fight, and was greeted by an older, even taller man who looked at her with a mixture of pride and exasperation and Jaime couldn’t do anything but look after her. He wanted to talk to her, congratulate her on the fight, ask her to spar with him, but his feet didn’t move, and then she was gone.

He spent the majority of the next day looking for her, it couldn’t be that hard. She must tower over almost everyone else here. But what if she left already? What if she didn’t want to spend any more time around people who couldn’t see how amazing she was because she was a woman? What if she left and he didn’t get to talk to her or fight her? He couldn’t just leave and travel through Westeros searching for a tall, blonde woman who can fight well. Though maybe with that description it wouldn’t take long.  
And then he found her.  
She was standing right next to an older woman and a dark-haired child, not doing anything except staring down a man he recognised as Ronnet Connington, her blue eyes glinting in the sunlight, full of anger. He didn’t need to have been there to be able to guess what happened here.  
“I suggest you leave,'' she said, her voice was cold, full of that same anger he could see in her eyes. He never thought the sight of an angry woman could be like this. When Cersei was angry and cold he wanted to leave the room and not be anywhere near her until she calmed down. But right now, this woman’s anger, there was a strange feeling of warmth spreading through his chest. He was probably just happy to see she hadn’t left yet and he could get to talk to her.  
“You’re like my knight in shining armour,” the child said, looking at her in awe.  
She closed her eyes and shook her head with a soft smile that almost looked sad. “You know I’m not a knight.”  
_She should be a knight._ The thought surprised him, caught him off guard and he took half a step backwards, tried to figure out where that thought came from. He didn’t know her. He saw her fight once, granted it was a great fight to watch, but he saw her fight one time, saw her defend a child and overheard a probably private conversation full of jokes.  
And yet, he couldn’t stop thinking about how unfair it was that she wasn’t a knight, that she couldn’t be a knight but any man could almost without any effort.

Jaime took a deep breath and continued walking towards them. He needed to talk to her about her fight yesterday, ask her if she wanted to spar with him, just once, just so he could know how good she really was. He really needed to ask her for her name first.  
“I saw you fight yesterday.” It wasn’t the kind of entrance he imagined making but it was what it was.  
All three people turned their heads towards him, and he could see the second they recognised him, the taller woman opened her mouth and blinked a few times like she couldn’t believe she was meeting him, while the other one smiled kindly at him and made him feel like an idiot because he didn’t recognise Olenna Tyrell.

###### 

The past few days had been a lot. First, her father agreed to let her attend the tournament, not that she expected him to say No. after all, he usually gave in to her wishes. She just expected to have to fight more with him. But maybe he had felt guilty for his last attempt to find someone willing to marry her.  
Then they had run into Lady Olenna, who had declared her as absolutely marvellous, introduced her to her granddaughter Margaery and left them alone to speak to her father about something. Margaery, in turn, had looked at her in a way that had made her feel self-conscious for a moment before she had smiled and decided they had to be friends now.  
And then she had fought in the melee, done better than she had expected herself and in her excitement kind of forgot that she shouldn’t reveal who she was, and had done just that.  
She figured the only way it hadn’t turned into a complete disaster, was because the melees took longer than anticipated and needed to continue today either way. Not with her competing, but with the men she did defeat yesterday.  
Then today Ronnet Connington had sought her out, still upset about being defeated by her yesterday, and while she knew she should have just ignored him, as Olenna had tried to tell her, she just couldn’t. Apparently, she hadn’t been able to completely get over the feeling of humiliation when he broke the betrothal her father had arranged, the moment he actually saw her.  
And to top all of these things Jaime Lannister, youngest boy to ever be knighted, had appeared, started talking to her, and rendered her speechless.

She knew he was talking to her, could see his lips moving, but she couldn’t understand what he was saying. There was too much ringing in her ears for the words to register in her brain because Ser Jaime Lannister was talking to her with a soft smile on his face, tilting his head to one side as if he just realised she was making a complete fool of herself by staring at him openmouthed.  
She heard Olenna introduce herself and Margaery to Jaime, one hand on her arm, and it made it easier to breathe, calmed her down enough to follow the conversation.  
Jaime’s attention switched to Olenna as he nodded in recognition and for the split of a second Brienne could see something like self-consciousness flicker over his face. But before she had a chance to think about what that could possibly mean, he covered it with a polite smile and introduced himself in return.  
“And you are?” He looked at Brienne again, an expression on his face that she didn’t understand.  
Most of the people she had met in her life, knew who she was. And they didn’t look at her as if they were genuinely interested in getting to know her. If anything they tried to ignore her and politely mask their disgust.  
“Brienne”, she managed to introduce herself after Olenna poked her side with her elbow.  
“Brienne”, Ser Jaime repeated as if he had just discovered something beautiful and she didn’t get it. It was just a name. She was just Brienne, the freakish, ugly daughter of the Lord of Tarth, who preferred swordfighting to whatever her Septa used to think she should do.  
But Ser Jaime looked at her like he didn’t see any of that and it made her feel strange. Somewhat out of place. No one ever had looked at her like that. Not for real, at least. No one was supposed to look at her like that.

“So, you saw her fight?” Margaery asked, ended the silence that had started to grow uncomfortable between them, and managed to light up Jaime’s entire face.  
“I did,” he confirmed. The green in his eyes sparkling in the sunlight. “I haven’t seen someone this good in a while.”  
“I haven’t seen someone this good ever,” Margaery announced and Brienne couldn’t hide the smile that grew on her face. Never in her most daring dreams would she expect to get praised by Ser Jaime Lannister, member of the Kingsguard, youngest boy to ever be knighted. And suddenly she found herself talking to him about sword fighting. And it was easy. It felt right. Like the most natural thing in the world. Like she had done it her entire life.  
He was recapping her final fight from the day before, giving detailed explanations about what she did and how good it was and she couldn’t stop the blush warming her cheeks and spreading over her neck. Doing these moves was one thing, having Ser Goodwin, who taught her, or even her father praise her for these moves was a regular occurrence in her life. But this was new. And she didn't know how to react or what to say.  
Luckily he didn't seem to notice her lack of replies, he just kept talking, hands gesturing, eyes sparkling, and if she was being honest, she was completely fine with just watching him.  
"So of course I had to find you and ask you if you'd like to spar with me one day," he said and looked at her expectantly, frowning a little when he noticed Ser Goodwin, who had shown up next to her while Jaime was talking.  
She blinked a few times. “ _You_ want to spar with _me_?”  
“Yes,” he confirmed.  
“Why?”  
“Because I like a challenge and you are really good.”  
“But you’re … you,” she tried to explain, knew it didn’t do anything. How could he want to spar with her? He was so much better than her. Not that she had had the chance to see him fight, but she had heard the stories, and why else would he have become a knight at 15; a member of the Kingsguard right away?  
He frowned, threw a helpless glance at Olenna but she could just shrug. “Yes, I am me. What are you trying to say?”  
“You’re Jaime Lannister,” she tried to put her thoughts into words, knew it sounded ridiculous; as if he didn’t know his own name. “You’re one of the best swordfighters. The youngest person to become a knight, the youngest knight to be part of the Kingsguard. You surely have other people to spar with.”  
She noticed the light dimming in his eyes when she mentioned the Kingsguard, but it lasted less than a second and it was probably just the sunlight hitting him differently because he moved his head a little. When she stopped listing the reasons why he couldn’t possibly want to spar with her, he was smiling at her again.  
“I mean yes I have. And I can go and spar with them. But I do that every day. And you are good and I just want to see how good you are sparing with me,” he shrugged. “But if you prefer, we could fight for real?”  
“Why would I agree to that?”  
“Because you are good and you won all your fights and I want to do it. And if you win I can knight you.”  


###### 

He didn’t know why he just said that. He couldn’t explain it to himself, let alone anyone who would ask him. All he knew was that it felt right to offer it to her. She could decline either way, maybe she didn’t want to be an actual knight.  
He was still processing his own words when he noticed her expression changed from shocked surprise to annoyance.  
“I don’t need your pity,” Brienne said, her voice almost as cold as it was when she talked to that guy before him. But he could also hear trembling, as if she was worrying that he was joking.  
“Pity?” he asked  
“You think I want to be a knight because that would be the only option for me to be more than the ugly girl no one would ever want to marry. Because I could never be a proper lady.”  
She didn’t sound accusing. If anything she sounded resigned. Like she actually believed that. 

“I think you want to be knighted because you know you’d be a great knight. Your skills with the swords are great from what I saw, and why would you train swordfight if you didn’t at least once think about being a knight.”  
“Maybe that’s what you did, Ser Jaime, but I am not you.”  
“I know that. But you remind me of myself when I was younger. Skilled in sword fight, helping people because it is the right thing to do, wanting to be a knight-”  
“I don’t want to be a knight.”  
He almost believed her, but her voice betrayed her lie.  
“Why not?”  
“I am a woman. Women can’t be knights.”  
“People the age of fifteen can’t be knights and look at me.”

Brienne sighed and looked away, folded her arms in front of her chest, and he couldn’t say if she did it because she was annoyed or to protect herself from whatever emotions he could see clouding her eyes.  
“Listen,” he said after a few moments of silence between them. “I’m sorry. I overstepped and I shouldn’t have assumed things. I was excited and not thinking.” That wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last time. He could hear his father’s voice reminding him of just that, could see Cersei’s expression whenever he did anything without thinking.  
Brienne finally turned her head to look at him again and he couldn’t help but lift the corners of his lips into a smile.  
“I think you’d be a great knight but, of course, if you don’t want to be one, you shouldn’t,” he kept going on. He wasn’t sure if what he said helped his case in any way, he just knew that he didn’t want Brienne to be upset with him for any reasons. Wanted to see her eyes shine with happiness rather than hurt.  
“I’d still like to spar with you-”  
“I think you should go for it,” the man who had shown up next to Brienne interrupted his attempt of apologies and he turned his head to him. Was he saying what he thought he was saying?  
Brienne seemed to wonder the same thing muttering a bewildered “what?” in his direction.  
“I mean, what do you have to lose? If you win, you get to be a knight. And don’t even try to tell me you don’t want to be one, Brienne. Even if I hadn’t known you as long as I did it would be very obvious. And he is right, you would be great. Certainly better than that Ser Ronnet we just met. And if you lose then… what happens if she loses?”, he turned to Jaime.  
“Nothing.”  
“See, you have nothing to lose.”  
Brienne sighed, seemed to realise there wasn’t anything left she could say to argue against them.  
“Okay,” she agreed at last. “I will fight you.”

He would lie if he said he didn’t worry that she changed her mind and left already.  
But she was still there and he felt almost relieved.  
There was no crowd like the time he watched her fight, possibly because this was in no way official. But Margaery was here with Lady Olenna and the tall man, Jaime assumed to be Brienne’s father, as well the other man who seemed to be a good friend of the family at least.  
As they took position he noticed a few people walking by and stopping, curiously watching what was happening.

Brienne waited as they circled each other for a moment, not breaking eye contact, ignoring everyone around them. And when Jaime attacked she blocked him almost easily. He knew she was good, had seen it the other day, but he still had managed to underestimate her strength.  
He charged again, stronger this time, she blocked again, with noticeably more effort, and he felt his lips curing into a smile. This felt good. This felt right.  
Out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed more people stopping to watch, a small crowd gathering around them, but Brienne was attacking and he needed to concentrate on that, wouldn’t make it easy for her.  
They broke apart again, managed to take a breath and the noise in his ears became clearer again, made it possible to guess what the crowd was whispering. Before he could do so much as angrily turn his head to them - could they not see that it didn’t matter if she was a woman? - Brienne charged at him again, fueled by the need to prove them wrong. And he almost couldn’t block this time.

Her sword hit his with more force than he expected and he could feel it starting to slip out of his hand. His eyes met hers, brilliant blue like sapphires in the sun and for a second he considered letting go, letting her win, because if anyone deserved to be a knight it was her. But there was something in her eyes that told him she would resent him for that. She would know and she would hate it. So he strengthened his grip around his sword and kept it in his hand.

When he sent her sword to the ground a couple of minutes later, forcing her to yield and [maybe something is missing?] they’re both out of breath and he knew it was only a matter of seconds until he would have had to admit defeat.  
He could see the light in her eyes vanish for a brief second, disappointment showing through before she carefully put on a mask of indifference.

And slowly he could focus on his surroundings again, could hear the crowd cheer for both of them.  
He grinned when he picked up her sword from where it rested on the ground and walked towards her. Hadn’t felt this good in months, and he knew it was because of Brienne. Yesterday he wanted to spar with her because he thought she looked like a worthy opponent, today he wanted to spar with her again because he knew she was.

And then he made a decision.

###### 

She didn’t know why she was upset about this. She didn’t really expect to win against him either way, let alone be knighted. Today or any other day. And yet there was this feeling of disappointment, of failure. Weirdly mixed with a sense of accomplishment because she knew he had struggled around the end, knew that she could best him with just a bit more training. But that didn’t change much about the fact that she lost and couldn’t explain why it upset her as much as it did.

At least until Jaime picked up her sword and walked towards her, his eyes sparkling with delight and a wide grin on his face, that she couldn’t help but return.  
She expected him to maybe tell her this had been a good fight, maybe offer to spar with her once more, help her get better. But he didn’t say anything, just handed her her sword and looked at her with a strange expression.

“Kneel”, he suddenly said. Brienne had been about to turn away, walk towards Margaery who was frantically waving at her, seemed to struggle between wanting to run to her and not wanting to come too close to the swords, but now she froze, turned back to Jaime.  
He never said what would happen if she lost, she assumed he’d leave her be, forget about her as just another one of the opponents he won against. Maybe he would have some tips for her to improve her sword fighting. She didn’t expect him to mock her for indulging in the fantasy that maybe he was able to make that one dream she had come true. She shouldn’t have ever admitted having that dream. Not to herself and especially not to Ser Goodwin.

He was standing in front of her, waiting patiently. There was no malice showing in his eyes, just determination and before she could tell herself to stop dreaming, remind herself not to trust any man, no matter how nice he seemed to be, she knelt before him, never looking away from his face, her hand ready to draw her sword again if he tried anything.

She could see a soft smile blooming on his face and then he brought his sword down to her right shoulder.  
“In the name of the Warrior, I charge you to be brave.”  
She stopped breathing. He said he’d do it if she won, that was their deal. And she had lost.  
“In the name of the father, I charge you to be just.”  
Maybe she was dreaming after all? Maybe she would wake up in her bed and their fight hadn’t happened yet. Maybe the whole tournament hadn’t happened and she’d wake up on Tarth.  
“In the name of the Mother, I charge you to protect the innocent.”  
Maybe someone would come and let her know that this was a mistake, that Jaime Lannister couldn’t just knight someone, especially not a woman.  
She couldn’t make out what the crowd was saying. If there even was still a crowd or if they had all left after their fight was over. All she could hear were the words Jaime was speaking, and the buzzing in her ears.  
“Arise Brienne of Tarth, a Knight of the Seven Kingdoms.”  
She blinked a few times, stared at him, tried to figure out what exactly just happened. He couldn’t really have knighted her. That wasn’t their deal.  
But he kept smiling at her, his eyes sparkling in the sun and slowly she stood up, unable to hold back the smile on her own face. Slowly accepting the fact that it wasn’t just a dream after all, she wouldn’t wake up and not be a knight.

Jaime sheathed his sword and nodded at her but before she was able to form any words - of thanks or of anger, she wasn’t quite sure - he turned away from her, waved to the crowd and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this is where it would have ended because I am generally unable to produce more than one scene let alone more than one chapter if I am left alone but then lionoflannistarth was like: okay then what happens  
> so now there are 2 more chapters which is probably better than ending it here...
> 
> oh also there was no beta reader so if you found any mistakes let me know. unless they're like you mixed British and American spelling. I mean you can mention it but I honestly just use the spelling I like more so it probably won't change anything  
> it is however possible that I managed to forget to translate some stuff because I know there were like some words I put in german because I couldn't think of the English words. and while I did read this multiple times while trying to edit it, it's still possible I missed those so yeah let me know I guess  
> or don't I'm not your boss


	2. Chapter 2

Brienne followed Jaime with her eyes, unable to move any muscle to actually follow him. The words she had wanted to say, stuck in her throat, her mind racing with questions. Why had he done it? Why had he ignored their deal? Why had she actually done what he asked her to? Why hadn’t she just refused? They had agreed she had to win against him. And she had lost.  
She needed to go after him, demand he talk to her. She couldn’t make him take it back, of course. That would make this entire situation even worse. If people didn’t accept female knights, she could imagine the reactions if she demanded he take it back.

Her thoughts were interrupted by someone knocking into her and almost making her fall to the ground. Margaery’s shriek was ringing in her ears as she was forced to bend down to accept her embrace.  
She could see her dad standing a few metres away next to Ser Goodwin, a proud smile on their faces. And maybe she shouldn’t think too much about it. Maybe she should accept it. It wasn’t as if anyone would believe her either way.  
But no matter how Brienne tried to look at it, she couldn’t shut up the voice in her head.  
She pushed herself out of Margaery’s embrace and took a step back.  
“He said he’d knight me if I defeat him. I didn’t defeat him.”  
“Who cares?”, Margaery shot back.  
“This isn’t right.”  
“What isn’t right is that they all ignored how good you are because you are a woman. What Jaime did was the right thing, Brienne. And you know that as much as I do.”  
“But we had a deal”, Brienne insisted. Why was this so hard to understand? How was she supposed to feel honoured, when she hadn’t earned it?  
Brienne walked past her friend, raising an eyebrow, past her father, his proud smile replaced by a concerned frown. She needed to talk to Jaime. 

She found him an hour later, after finally being directed to his tent. Without bothering to announce herself she walked inside. He was sitting on his bedroll, had changed clothes in the time it took her to find him and the sight of that made her realise she hadn’t changed. She was still as sweaty, if not more so, as she was when he left her. And maybe she should have thought things through, at least change into cleaner clothes.  
He looked up when he heard the flap of the tent and for some reason, his face lit up when he registered her, as if he had been waiting for her. But that couldn’t be.  
“Why did you do that?” she asked before Jaime could open his mouth to greet her in any way.  
His smile did not vanish, if anything it grew wider, as he got up and walked towards her.  
“Because I never fought against anyone as good as you.”  
“But I lost.”  
“Because no one is as good as me.”  
Brienne rolled her eyes and Jaime laughed.  
“We had a deal, Ser. I fight you and if I win, you knight me.”  
“You almost did win.”  
“But I didn’t.”  
“So what do you want me to do now? Take it back? I can’t. I won’t. After all, you didn’t have to do what I said. You didn’t have to kneel, Ser.”  
She knew that, had spent the past hour trying to understand why she had done that. But he didn’t have to remind her of it.  
“We both know, Brienne, if you were a guy they’d have knighted you after you won the melee. If they hadn’t done that years ago already.”  
Brienne sighed. Jaime was right, of course. That didn’t change that it felt wrong, that she didn’t feel deserving of the honour he had given her. The faith he seemed to have in her when he didn’t even know her.  
“I will earn the faith you have bestowed on me.” She needed to at least make sure he knew she was taking this more serious then he.  
“You have already earned it,” he insisted.  
“Not until I defeat you. Those were our terms.”  
Jaime grinned. “So you’re staying in King’s Landing?”  
“I didn’t say that.”  
“How else will you ever be able to defeat me? I don’t want to be rude, but do you really think you can learn more on Tarth than you could learn from me?”

Brienne blinked, trying to process what he just said. He couldn’t have meant it. He could not have offered to help her get better. That was ridiculous.  
“What?” she finally managed to ask.  
“You heard me.”  
“But … what?”  
“You are great. Obviously. if you weren’t you wouldn’t have won every fight. But you can be better. And if you want, I can help you. Since you plan on defeating me at some point in your life.”  
“You would train with me?”  
“Yes. When I have time. I can arrange for you to have a place to sleep and training partners when I am busy with my duties.”  
“I … don’t know what to say.”  
“Say yes.”

###### 

Jaime didn’t see Brienne for almost two weeks. His duties in the Kingsguard kept him from the training yard when reasonable people went there.  
And then a letter from his father arrived. Jaime didn’t know why he actually bothered to read it instead of just throwing it in the fire. He didn’t expect any nice words either way. But now it was too late and with every word he read he grew more and more angry until he desperately wanted to punch someone. Preferably Tywin Lannister but he was at Casterly Rock so that was impossible.

Still angry, Jaime finally managed to visit the training yard at a reasonable time the next day.  
He could hear the sounds of training swords clashing and people muttering, and somehow the prospect of seeing Brienne shifted his mood significantly.  
He saw her almost immediately, towering over the other boys and young men. She was sparring with Arthur at one end of the yard, but something about her was different.  
She still seemed as confident with her swordwork as she did at the tournament, still looked almost graceful moving around with a sword in her hand. But she had cut her hair shorter. For a second that made him feel sad. Not that he had thought her longer hair to be particularly beautiful, but he had spent some time thinking about how it had looked when she had taken off her helmet after winning the tournament. Had assumed he could see that again, but it seemed like Brienne had other plans. And that was fine. It was.  
Jaime stopped for a few moments, admiring the fight until she was forced to yield, and Arthur excused himself to help the other guys with their techniques.

“You cut your hair”, Jaime said in lieu of a greeting when he reached her.  
Brienne stopped the motions Arthur had shown her right before he had left, and turned around. For a second she seemed happy about seeing Jaime for the first time since the tournament, but then her expression closed off. As if she was trying to figure out what his comment meant.  
“It looks good on you,” he continued with a smile.  
She frowned. “If you’re here to mock me-”  
“I am not here to mock you, Ser,” he snapped, took a deep breath and continued with a calmer voice. “I came here to spar with you and I happened to notice you cut your hair and it looks good on you.”  
Brienne lifted her hand and ran it through her hair with a shy smile. “Thanks,” she finally said almost inaudibly. “It kept distracting me while fighting.”

Jaime nodded in understanding, had spent a few moments of his life contemplating that same decision. Only he always came to the conclusion that he liked it too much the way it was.  
“Care for a sparring match with me?” he finally asked. “Show me what you learned since the last time?”  
Brienne smiled at him in earnest now, eyes sparkling. “Yes.”

###### 

Sparring with Jaime became an almost daily occurrence quite fast. They either met in the morning or in the evening, depending on Jaime’s schedule.  
Brienne knew she was getting better. Even if she still couldn’t beat him, it kept taking longer for him to be able to beat her.  
“So how’s the training without me?” he asked one day after an evening session, while they were putting away their practice swords.  
“Ser Arthur is a good teacher”, she shrugged.  
Jaime frowned. “Ser Arthur isn’t the master-at-arms. I know he likes coming here and helping out when he can. But shouldn’t Ser Willem train you?”  
“He does. Ser Arthur is better.”  
Not just because he was better. But also because he managed what Ser Willem kept trying fruitlessly: make the guys spar with her.  
Not that they were actual opponents the way Jaime or Ser Arthur were. Or even Ser Willem, but at least she felt more included.  
It wasn’t his fault, of course. She was lucky he had agreed to let her train here, was lucky anyone who wasn’t her father and Ser Goodwin had agreed to train her in any way they could. 

Jaime grinned and leaned against the fence surrounding the training yard. “To be fair, Arthur is better than everyone,” he said, watching Brienne settle down next to him. “But the training is good, even when he isn’t here?”  
Brienne stayed silent for too long after this question, looking into the distance where the sun was vanishing behind a building.  
“Brienne”, he asked after a moment of silence.  
“Sorry, I was-” she shook her head. “The training is okay.”  
“But you’re not happy.”  
Brienne looked at him with knitted brows. “I am”, she objected. “They’re just -” she cut herself off, cursing herself for what she had almost said.  
But it was too late, she could see it in Jaime’s face. The slow realisation about the entire situation. 

“Is that why you cut your hair?”, he asked.  
“I told you I cut my hair, because it distracted me.”  
“Then why did you not cut it before the tournament?”  
Brienne sighed in defeat and turned away again. Forced herself to not actually walk away from him.  
Jaime nudged her arm with his elbow.  
“What do you want to hear, Jaime?” she snapped. “Do you want me to say that it sucks? That I expected more when I knew I shouldn’t? That the others don’t want to train with me because I am a woman and I can be as good as I want and even better, but it won’t change anything? Do you want me to say I wish I hadn’t agreed to your stupid offer and stayed at home? Because at least the people on Tarth have accepted me as I am. Or do you want me to lie to you? Tell you how everything is wonderful and I couldn’t have dreamed of anything more?” She paused, breathing hard. Jaime looked shocked, and somehow that made her feel better.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“It’s not your fault, Jaime. You’ve been nothing but kind to me since we met. As have Ser Arthur and Ser Willem. You can’t blame yourself or them for the others being … well like the rest of the world I guess.”  
Jaime made a noncommittal sound.  
“But it’s okay because I get to spar with you, and train with Ser Arthur. And once I manage to actually defeat you-”  
“You think you can defeat me?”  
“You think I can defeat you.”  
“But now you agree.”  
“I - yes”, she said. “Yes, I do.”  
“Good”, Jaime grinned and pushed himself away from the fence. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
Brienne spent a long time looking after him, trying to figure out what all of that meant.

Brienne thought she had gotten better with the training she got from Ser Arthur, but somehow Jaime also seemed to be getting better. For some moments it made her wonder if he had gone easy on her before, but when she had asked Ser Arthur he had just smiled at her knowingly.  
_“You can’t be the only one of you two to get better.”  
“So he doesn’t want me to win this?”  
“He wants you to know you earned it.”  
_ So alright, Jaime wanted her to prove to him that she could get better faster than him. That wasn’t much of a problem since she didn’t really have any other things to do.

So when they were sparring a couple weeks later and she noticed she was gaining the upper hand, she had to suppress a smile. Not that she expected him to actually lose, but if she stopped concentrating he would easily.  
And then it happened.  
One moment he was parrying her swings and the next moment his sword escaped his grip and dropped to the floor.  
He stared at his empty hand in surprise, then at the sword on the ground and then at her probably equally shocked face. Her sword still raised in the air, trying to process that this was not a daydream and she had defeated him,  
His face changed from surprise to glee. “You did it”, he shouted and she finally lowered her own sword.  
Just in time to not hurt him as he crushed into her and almost knocked her over. “I told you you could do it!”  
And before she could form any coherent words in her mind he took her face in both his hands and kissed her. 

For a second she closed her eyes and let him; forgot where they were and who they were. Forgot that she wasn’t someone whom anyone would ever want to kiss.  
But then she opened her hands and her own sword dropped to the ground, bringing her back to reality.  
She pushed him away, tried to form words, tried to understand why he would mock her like that now, of all times.

Brienne turned around and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes I looked up who the master-at-arms was back then after I remembered that it might make more sense for him to be there. it was Ser Willem Darry if anyone cares to know. and yes, he will never be mentioned again because honestly it didn't really matter oh well


	3. Chapter 3

Brienne stared at the ceiling in her room, her lips still tingling from the kiss. She didn’t understand what had possessed him to do something like that.  
But what she understood even less was, why it affected her the way it did. Jaime was her friend, her sparring partner, she couldn’t allow herself to grow any feelings for him.  
Even if he had kissed her.  
A treacherous voice in her mind wondered if he had meant to mock her but she knew him. She was sure of that, at least. He had never treated her with anything but kindness, why would he start now?  
But he couldn’t have meant to do that. He had been excited for her managing to defeat him, managing to finally fulfil the terms of their deal from months ago. He probably hadn’t thought straight and the kiss had been a spur of the moment thing. He probably regretted it by now either way.  
It was best to ignore this had happened, they could keep being friends and that would be all.

###### 

Their next sparring session was weird and Jaime hated it.  
He had tried to figure out how to talk to Brienne about what happened. Not that he had understood it himself, but he felt he needed to explain at least that to her.  
But while Brienne had never been very talkative, she seemed to have lost her voice completely. Whatever he asked her, she replied with one-word-answers, avoiding any possibility for a proper conversation. Jaime felt lucky she didn’t avoid him.

So okay, he would just forget what had happened, he didn’t want it to happen again either way. Hadn’t wanted it to happen in the first place.  
That it kept him awake at night while he was still trying to figure out what had possessed him to do it, didn’t matter.  
Their friendship mattered to him, Brienne’s comfort mattered to him. He could pretend nothing had happened if that was what it took.

And it worked.  
Brienne relaxed around Jaime, her swordwork improved again and he needed more than a few moments to beat her. Just like it used to be.  
As long as he didn’t think about what happened the last time she managed to beat him, things were fine.  
It was fine that she almost beat him a second time and he saw the moment she realised it and hesitated as if she expected him to react in the same way he had the last time. He wouldn’t have, of course. But that second had given him the opportunity to defeat her again. 

But how they ended up in this situation he couldn’t say.  
One moment they were sparring like usual, the next he had swept away her feet in a moment of inattentiveness on her part. They had both ended up on the floor, their swords uselessly lying on the ground next to them. For a second she had seemed to be about to yield to him, but then she turned them over.  
He was looking up at her, her arms pressing his into the ground, her legs straddling his, making it impossible for him to move at all.  
“I yield,” he said, and she relaxed her grip. A smile spreading over her face, illuminating it even more than the sun could.  
It didn’t surprise him that she managed to defeat him again, but that it excited him in this way again, did. 

And before he could stop himself, he pressed his lips on hers.  
This time she pushed him away immediately, looking at him with a mix of frustration and confusion.  
“Why are you doing this?”, she asked, and there was a hint of hurt in her voice.  
“I don’t know”, he said.  
It was the first thing that came out of his mouth and he wanted to take it back instantly. Not that he had any other words of explanation. Her look of confused frustration changed into outright hurt as she got up and left him in the dirt.  
Again.

“Are you alright?”  
Jaime blinked and turned his head towards Arthur, trying to make sense of what he had said.  
“Why wouldn’t I be?”  
“You seem awfully distracted, lately.”  
Lately? Jaime had tried to make sure to be extra careful with his duties in the last weeks, at least those were the times he could manage to not think about what had happened between him and Brienne. Apparently not, though.  
“Lately?” he managed to ask.  
“Ever since Brienne managed to beat you, but today even more so,” Arthur replied.  
Jaime shrugged. So okay his efforts in trying to hide it weren’t working, but it wasn’t like he could talk to Arthur about it.  
“So I assumed something happened.”  
“Nothing happened,” Jaime snapped.  
“Of course, that’s why you and Brienne have been distracted the past few weeks.”  
“Why do you even care? I am still doing everything I have to do.”  
“I care because I am your friend, Jaime.”

Jaime sighed.  
“I kissed Brienne.”  
“Finally.”  
“Finally?”  
“Jaime. You’ve been in love with her since you saw her fight at the tournament.”  
“I’m not in love with Brienne.”  
“Alright,” Arthur replied. “So why do you keep going out of your ways to manage to spar with her every day?”  
“Because she needed to defeat me before she could accept me knighting her. which is fair, as that was the deal and I went and did it either way.”  
“And why did you?”  
“Because she deserved it. I know you didn’t see her fight in the melee but if you had, you wouldn’t ask these questions. I am her friend. And I train with her because she wants to get better than she is. That’s all there is.”  
“Which is why you kissed her.”  
“I don’t know why I kissed her,” Jaime snapped. “That is the problem.”  
Arthur sighed, almost in defeat and Jaime hoped he’d drop this topic. He was reading too much into this. He had gotten lost in his excitement and simply forgot who she was. That was far more likely than whatever Arthur thought was the reason.  
Brienne was his friend, Cersei was who he loved. 

“So if anyone would ask you to describe her what would you say?”  
Jaime frowned. What was he trying to accomplish with that question now?  
“I would tell them that she is the most talented knight here. The only worthy opponent except you. And she is tall and her hair has the colour of flaxen and her eyes are simply astonishing. And when she’s happy they light up, and you know how they call Tarth the Sapphire isles because of the waters. I think if they actually saw her eyes they’d - “ he stopped as Arthur looked at him with a smug smile. “What?”  
“Nothing,” Arthur said placatingly. “So you don’t love her. But you like her.”  
“Of course I do. She’s my friend.”  
“And if she would leave, you’d be okay with that?”  
“Why would she leave?”  
“She defeated you, didn’t she? I thought that was your deal. What’s keeping her from leaving and finding someone to serve. She is a knight after all?”  
“Yeah, but she defeated me twice now and didn’t leave.”  
“Twice?”  
“Yes. Two weeks ago and today.”  
“Well, maybe she’s making arrangements. I’m not the one who spends all his free time with her.”  
“Neither am I.”  
“Jaime. I either see you on duty or sparing with Brienne. And I know she doesn’t have much else to do around here.”

“But I can’t be in love with her.”  
“Why not?”  
“I swore an oath.”  
“To never own any lands, or marry someone and have children. Not to never fall in love.”  
Jaime looked at him sceptically. Sure he was right about that being what the oath said. But his oaths also said to protect the innocent and he wasn’t doing a lot of that lately. _You’re here to protect the King not to judge him._  
“So what should I do?”  
“I think you should tell her at least.”  
“And what good would that do, Arthur? I mean I can’t do anything about this. I don’t want to do-”  
“Please stop lying to yourself, Jaime.”  
“I’m not lying to myself. I am a member of the Kingsguard. I chose that for myself. And I am not going to break my oaths as if I didn’t mean them when I took them.”  
“I didn’t say that. But this isn’t just about you. This is also about Brienne. And how she feels about all this,” Arthur said. “You kissed her. Twice.”  
“And she clearly didn’t want that or she wouldn't have pushed me away.”  
“What was she supposed to do?”  
“Not push me away would have been a start.”  
Arthur sighed.  
“Jaime. Why do you think a highborn lady, the heir of her house, would choose to be a knight rather than whatever other women do?”  
_You think I want to be a knight because that would be the only option for me to be more than the ugly girl no one would ever want to marry._  
That was what she had said to him when he had offered to knight her. And he had just gotten upset because she thought so little of him. _Oh_  
“You think she’d want to know?”  
“Yes. I don’t know her history but I can’t imagine her being happy about being kissed without any explanation.”  
“She’d think I was mocking her?”  
“Maybe.”

Alright, he would tell her. He could tell her.  
Being in love with Brienne wasn’t forbidden in any way. Just because he had no clue what to do after telling her.  
_You’ll figure it out_  
He had absolutely no idea how to figure anything out. But Arthur was right. Brienne deserved to know he hadn’t been mocking her. Just because he hadn’t been able to see it himself.  
So he took a deep breath and knocked on the door to Brienne’s chambers, hoping she was there.

“Can I come in?” he asked as soon as the door opened. Brienne frowned, her eyes clouded with confusion and hurt, but stepped to the side to let him in.  
He felt her eyes on him, watching as he entered her chambers for the first time, looking around the sparsely decorated room, before turning around to face her.  
“I love you.”  
Brienne stared at him, seemed to be frozen in shock, her eyes wide.  
Maybe he shouldn’t have told her after all. “Uhm, Arthur said I should tell you,” he tried to explain himself, but Brienne still didn’t respond. She just looked at him, her hand dropped from the door handle to her side as if holding it up was too much effort.  
Should he come closer? Shake her out of it? At least touch her shoulder or something?  
“Brienne?” he tried and she finally blinked and shook her head as if she was trying to rid herself of the remains of a day-dream.  
“What?” she managed, her voice small and unsure and he really should have chosen a better way to tell her.  
“I love you,” he repeated instead.  
“No you don’t,” she objected. “You can’t.”

She wasn’t looking at him, her voice way too small and Jaime hated it. Yes he had been thinking the exact same thing mere hours ago, but that was different. He couldn’t explain why or how, he just knew Brienne wasn’t supposed to think that.  
“Why not?” he pressed  
"Because,” Brienne said, finally looking at him. The confusion he had seen in her eyes when she had opened the door to him was gone, replaced by exasperation. “You're a knight of the Kingsguard.”  
"So I am not allowed to fall in love?"  
"But why me?"  
"Because you're the only person who can defeat me and you make me want to be a good person.”  
Jaime took a few steps forward, closing the distance between him and Brienne, silently rejoicing when she didn’t attempt to keep their distance.  
"You are a good person."  
Jaime stopped, put his hands on her forearms and locked their eyes. “And I love you.”

Brienne was smiling, it was small and tentative but infecting him nonetheless. But when he leaned forward to kiss her properly this time, she raised her hand to his chest and stopped him.  
“But you swore an oath to never marry someone,” she said, catching him off guard.  
He blinked, trying to get his bearings. He knew she was right, after all, he had mentioned that to Arthur as well. He just hadn’t expected her to bring it up at all.  
“So this,” she gestured between them, and took a step back, “cannot happen.”  
“What if I leave the Kingsguard?”

The question surprised him as much as it did Brienne. Maybe even more.  
No matter how much he grew to hate it, no matter how often his father had reminded him of his duties as a Lannister, he had never even considered the possibility.  
He had wanted this too much. But that was two years ago and times changed. Offering to leave for Brienne felt right, felt like he was meant to do it all along, felt like a burden was lifted from his chest and he could finally breathe again.  
“I can’t ask that of you,” she said but he could just smile at her.  
“You’re not asking. I am offering.”

Brienne looked at him, biting her lips as if she was trying to figure out what to say or do.  
“Kingsguard serve for life.”  
He sighed. Of course, he had to forget that important detail about it. But then again, he could bite into the sour apple and accept whatever his father tried to offer him whenever they talked.  
“I can figure it out.”  
“I don’t want you to break your oaths. Not for me.”  
“I won’t. I’ll figure it out. I don’t-”  
This time Brienne was kissing him. Shutting him up mid-sentence as she took his face in her - surprisingly soft - hands and pressed her lips to his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is where it ends, congrats if you made it. also huge thanks if you made it. love you for that. makes me feel good about this
> 
> also back in 2019 when I started this the ending looked like this:  
> there’s probably going to be a conversation.  
> the only problem is as I just realised haha they’re in the king’s guard there was an oath thing (or at least he’s in the king’s guard) so you know their kiss(es) cannot mean anything. so uh whoops. I guess Jaime has to go kill the King
> 
> and I was obviously not going to write it like this and then my friend was like: this is the most hilarious thing I have read so I was like: alright I'll keep it for my own amusement. and now it's here for your amusement...
> 
>  _and then_ my brain goes like: hey you should continue this thought and I am like absolutely not, this ends on a happy note shut up  
> my brain did not shut up. instead it was like here's a title for the sequel and I was like can I have a title for this story please?  
> so uh there might be a sequel  
> the first scene exists in my notebook  
> some other scenes exist as well but the first scene is finished.  
> I know where I want it to end  
> and it has a title  
> but uh... if I end up writing it... don't expect it to be here in the next 5 years. 3 chapters took me 1 year. 6 chapters took me 2 years. all I know is it's probably more than 6 chapters so basically it will never be finished.  
> unless I manage to escape this cycle of: I need someone to read this and tell me it's good so I can finish it but I don't want anyone to read it until it is finished but I can't finish it if no one's going to read it but I can't let anyone read it until it is finished. It's fun.
> 
> anyway ignore this rambling maybe? Or come talk to me on [tumblr](https://remuslovestonks.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/crazysecondname) ?
> 
> oh possibly an important note: the phrase 'to bite into a sour apple' I don't think it exists in English at least according to the internet and my friends. but it exists in german and the only English phrase I found for it was 'to bite the bullet' and I felt like in a time where bullets weren't a thing (I assume) this phrase doesn't really work so I decided to just translate the german phrase and hope the context is enough explaining. hope that was not too confusing for anyone haha
> 
> if you're here congrats for reading all this word vomit I guess also thank you love you bye


End file.
